Sometimes, I just want to scream from the rooftops that you have me all wrong…….
I really think YOU THINK I have it all together.
You say things like…
I don’t see how you do it all!
I could never do what you do.
No worries, Jenifer can do it!
But that’s where you’d be wrong.
I don’t have it all together. Truth is, I often times feel like I am falling apart at the seams.
The extrovert in me has you fooled. The smile on my face…the need to speak to every person I know out in public….can be so deceiving.
Somedays I just want to be me.
I want to admit that I’m not having a good week.
I want to admit that I’ve made mistakes.
I want you to not assume I have it all together.
I want to be the me with strong opinions that you may not like.
I want to be the mom that is not always the mom of the year.
I want to be able to say that my house is a wreck or that my laundry is piled sky high.
I want to be able to just have a bad freaking day and it be OK to admit it.
So for the record, I don’t have it all together. In case you were wondering.
And I’m tired of carrying the weight of a person who is expected to.
I’m tired of not being able to share the way the Lord leads me for fear someone will be offended and place the weight of THEIR reaction on my shoulders.
I’m tired of having friends, yet feeling lonely.
I’m tired of dear friends moving away or living so far away that a cup of coffee and conversation is out of the question.
I’m tired of being reduced to an acquaintance instead of a true friend because my heart ACHES to shout for orphans and to make sure that my kids with special needs have every opportunity.
I’m not who I was.
And I’m ok with that. I think.
I’m learning to be.
The last few days, I’ve tried to take a break from the watercolor of social media.
It’s been a good break. I’ve gotten some projects done. I’ve done some reading. I’ve enjoyed my babies. I’ve taken care of some junk that I didn’t want to deal with but I had to.
And, lo and behold, the world has survived without me.
And I’ve realized a few things….
True friends don’t have to be five minutes away in order to positively affect your life.
As friends, we don’t all have to have the same goals and convictions. But if you abhor the things that are important to me, then it might be time for us to bid each other farewell.
I am not solely responsible for the unity of the Christian body. Do I play a part? Sure. But you need to do YOU friend. And let me be me.
The 1,881 friends that I have on social media are not all truly my friends. Many need to go. If you’re just there for the show and not to be a supportive, encouraging friend then I just don’t get why you stay. Pack a bag.
I miss having a voice on my blog. I have been reduced to sound bites on social media and I have more to say. Do others want to read it? Maybe not. Doesn’t change my desire to express it.
I need some boundaries. I’ve worked this week to set up my social media accounts in a way that works best for ME. I might miss your latest news, picture of your beautiful baby or a funny meme from time to time. You’ll have to forgive me. But boundaries are good. And much needed.
I feel unwelcome. Where? Lots of places. Often times in my town, often times in the body of believers, often times in the world at large. Does it hurt? Yep. But I feel like it gives me a window. An opportunity to see things as others do….as someone who doesn’t quite fit in. I think God is using this time to open my eyes. To see things through the lens of an outsider. And it is changing me.
I don’t want to do life like I’ve always done it. I don’t want to bend over backwards to make the comfortable feel even more comfortable. I want to use the gifts that God has given me to live life differently. I don’t want you to look at me and assume you know what is in my heart. I want you to get to know me and see that God is changing me. That God is using me. Even when it hurts. And I want friends that sharpen me….not friends that dull my edge.
“As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” Proverbs 27:17
If you are one of those friends, trust that I know who you are. I love you for building me up and encouraging me. I love you for being a listening ear and hearing all the things that I’m embarrassed to tell the world. I love that you sharpen me and I hope I sharpen you in return.