You don’t want to read this…trust me…

You ever just have one of those days that turns into one of those weeks that seems to turn into one of those months and feels like it will last forever.  When something feels wrong but you can’t put your finger on what.  You actually have no clue…maybe just a host of little things.

Let me be the first to say that you should probably click on the little x in the upper right hand corner and just go on about your day.  If you’re a subscriber…feel free to unsubscribe.  It’s late Tuesday night and I just want to record a few things get a few things off my chest.  I want a record of how I felt today so that when God shows His faithfulness to me, yet again, I can remember where I was.  You know…remembering the valley makes the mountain top so much sweeter.

I’m just tired.  Tired of others expecting things from me, tired of expecting things from others.  Just tired.

I have exactly the life I always dreamed of.  Great husband, who loves me, wonderful kids, who love me…yet why sometimes do I feel so lonely.  Isn’t that weird?  To be surrounded by people and to feel that way….makes no sense to me.

Even though I know better, I continue to put my hope and trust in others.  I put it in things.  Yet they fail me time and time again.  Will I ever learn?

“Why are you so downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me?  Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.”  Psalm 42:5

I have somehow failed to convince Bryan to pack up and move to Alaska…at one time it would have been an easy sell…not so easy now.  He hates packing…I’m convinced that’s the only thing stopping him.  To tell you the truth, I’m ready.  Bring on the snow, cold, remoteness…BRING.IT.ON.

You ever just want to start over?  I’ve never been much of a mover. I like change just not the actual moving part.  Too much sweat involved.  I digress….

Maybe frustrated is a better word than tired….

Frustrated in ministry, frustrated with my messy house, frustrated with people….just frustrated.  That takes me back to putting my hope in all those things instead of in the One who can truly bring hope.

I wish this weren’t the case.  I wish I could say that I constantly put my hope in Christ alone and all these other things don’t matter.  But I can’t.  I’m human and they do matter.  I’m human and I get my feelings hurt.  I’m tired of being the one to go the extra mile.  Is it wrong of me to feel this way?  Yep…I believe it is.  But today I do.  Today I want to pack up my babies and my hubby, purchase a motor home and set out into the wild, blue yonder.  I want to not worry about all the things I worry about.

I want to not care that I never hardly hear from my parents.  I want to not care that my Dad mumbles “I love you” on the phone, only if I say it first.  I want to be able to say what I really think when someone criticizes something I’ve done or said.  I want to be able to say that the devil works hard, through other people, to discourage me.  To be able to say it without starting a firestorm…because you know what…the devil DOES use us against each other.  Hello?  That’s what he does…that’s who he is…open up God’s word…see how the devil operates.

I want to understand how the ex- before your name makes you lose all touch with reality.

I want to not feel sometimes as though I don’t have a friend in the world.  I want to be a good friend.  I want to know who my friends are.  I want to be a friend to the friendless…to those that nobody loves.  Where do I find them?  In my comfortable house, at my comfortable church, in my comfortable social circle?  How do I get to where they are?  I’m tired of waiting for them to come to me, to come to my church…I want to find them.  I no longer want a false sense of friendship.  Like someone is my friend because I know what they are doing every waking moment on Facebook.  That does not makes someone a friend.

I want to be uncomfortable.  I want to not worry about how my family looks to the world.  I want to only be concerned with how I look to God.  I want Him to look at me and see Jesus.  I want others to see the same…instead of my selfishness, instead of my worry, instead of my faults…

I want to raise children that are champions for Christ…children that don’t see as the world sees…children who have no other desire than to bring glory to God.  I want them to not worry about how the world sees them…I want them to only have eyes for Jesus.

I want to be part of the body.  The body that loves others as Christ loves.  The body that doesn’t argue, that isn’t petty.  A body that follows…a body with no drama…is that even out there?

Someone who truly loves me…if only for my ability to feed her, is calling my name.  If you read this far and are confused, perturbed, ill…don’t say I didn’t warn you.

“Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him.  He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will not be shaken.  My salvation and my honor depend on God; He is my mighty rock, my refuge.”  Psalm 62:5-7

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Waiting for the mountain top,

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2 thoughts on “You don’t want to read this…trust me…

  1. Oh Jenifer….I am sorry you are frustrated. I could so identify with so much you said..the frustration, feeling alone, wanting to be able to speak when you feel wronged.( and you have no idea how many times I have begged Jason to move me to Alaska..seriously…) I know that we can not run a way…oh but a girl can dream right???
    But especially the part about raising champions for CHrist and when God looks at me I want Him to see Jesus.
    I am praying for you Jenifer…sorry you are in a valley right now but I will be praying for God to reveal to you His faithfulness.


  2. Jennifer!! I have to say that I LOVE THIS POST!! Not one time did I think about hitting the big X button!!! 🙂 These days happens to us all!! When we take just a second to let the devil in all these feelings start to come through. Isnt it good to know that all we have to do is look up and He is always there for us? I have great comfort knowing that I can have days like this, in private, and when I seek Him more it will all be done.

    We are still human and the flesh does get in the way but it is just a learning curve to mold us in the image that God has for us!!!

    Thanks for sharing what ALL feel some days!!

    Serving with Joy,
    Sonya Schroeder


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