Where are they you ask?
Well, Ruby Kate and Ethan are in their beds sleeping soundly….
Ellie is snuggled up on the couch with her Daddy….both snoring softly…..
How do I miss them you ask?
I don’t miss them because they are asleep. I miss them because they are growing up.
Right before my very eyes….
I miss them and I feel as though I’m missing out and so are they….
There are many days that my obligations come first before them.
Days I need them to play quietly and keep each other occupied so that I can send out some important email….
Days that I say “Not now, Mommy has got to get this done!”
Days that I say no when I should be saying yes.
Days when I tuck them into bed in a hurry because I have a list of things waiting to get done.
Days when I actually avoid making that to do list because it is just too overwhelming.
I am living my life in survival mode now. Moving from commitment to commitment….
Hurriedly finishing one thing so I can get to the next.
Hiring a sitter (love you Taylor!) not so Bryan and I can have a much needed date night but so that I can go to a meeting…
Frustrated because I can’t discern if my current state of mind is Satan attacking me because I am right in the center of God’s will
If God is making things clear to me to cause me to change….step back and gain some perspective….I am leaning towards this….
All the things that I do….they will be here ten years from now.
But my sweet six year old won’t…she’ll be 16….driving and dating…
My three year old will be entering his teen years….
My Ruby Kate will be 11 and right in the middle of the difficult tween years….
I don’t want to miss these years…when the things I teach them and time I spend with them will forever shape their world view….
I don’t want them to grow up and say “My Mom was so active and involved at church but never had time for me.”
I don’t know how to balance serving my Savior with what should be my number one ministry….my family. Being the wife God has called me to be to Bryan and the Mommy God has called me to be to my little ones.
I feel guilty when I am not serving….
And guilty when I do serve….
I am not a quitter…ok except for knitting…I am a quitter when it comes to knitting…..never quite got the hang of it….
But sometimes I want to quit….and stay in my house with my babies and my husband and have no outside responsibilities….
No one needing my time, no one asking and expecting something of me that I am stretched too thin to give.
I want my husband to come home to a hot meal every night instead of a frustrated mommy….
I want to go to bed with a shiny, sparkling sink
I want my commitments to not stand in the way of time I spend with my husband….nurturing what God has so richly blessed us with…
I want to finish Ellie’s potholder with her that we started months ago…
I want to go outside and run with my little boy and not worry about where I have to be that day…
I want to read to Ruby Kate like I used to read to Ellie…
I want to wisely discern all the messages I am receiving…
…the wisdom from a mentor recently
….this article that I ran across tonight
….what God has taught be about my own children through reading this book
I want to be present….with my family first…..
Until next time,