Anger and Loss…..

You ever have one of those days (or weeks) where everything seems to make you angry….

No excuse, I know….”you choose to be angry”…blah, blah, blah…..

But sometimes, that’s what life deals you and it takes you a while to move past the anger…

I have had a few of those days this past weekend….

I’m struggling with forgiveness…I guess because I feel like I need someone to be angry WITH….

A few weeks ago, Bryan and I were surprised and elated to find out we were expecting Baby #5.

This past weekend, I miscarried.

Who am I angry with, you ask?

Am I angry with God because of this sad turn in our story?  No, absolutely not….I know my God loves me and that He has a plan for me and for our family.  I know “All things work together for good for those that love the Lord.”

Who am I angry with?  People in general, I guess…

As is always the case when I am expecting, I was chomping at the bit to tell anyone who would listen!

I told a few friends and the overwhelming majority of them were excited with me.  Many hugs, congratulations and genuine agreement that a new baby was a blessing.

Then there were “the few” that met my announcement with a look of sheer shock on their faces.

Here is where my anger begins to come into play…..

I can not FATHOM, why anyone would not be excited about the upcoming arrival of a new baby!

We only knew we were expecting for a few weeks….

A lot can happen in a few weeks….

In a few weeks….

  • you can begin to dream of baby names….
  • you can start to plan a really cool way to tell your kids and your parents about your new little one…
  • you can begin to imagine who your new little one will look like…
  • you can begin to ponder how much you would love another “Daddy’s girl” and at the same time imagine how much your only son would love to have a baby brother….
  • you can change the dates on your big family vacation, so you won’t have to worry about delivering a baby in the middle of the Magic Kingdom….
  • you can become excited about your youngest child with special needs having a buddy, someone to motivate them, someone to learn alongside them….
  • you can even become excited about the thought of having a great reason to dig out your comfy maternity capri pants….
In a few weeks, you can also face the harsh reality that everyone does not consider children to be the same blessing that you do.  Friends you thought you knew seem aghast that you would want to become a family of 7….
Why is that?
Bryan and I take financial responsibility for our little ones…
Bryan and I take responsibility for the physical care of our little ones…
Bryan and I believe that our family size is between us and the Lord.  We don’t look down on you because you felt led to have only one child, or two or three….
I am sad at the loss of our little one and what makes it even more painful to bear is the fact that people that I love were not excited with us for those few short weeks….
I am asking for the Lord’s help to forgive them….. I can’t do it today….
I know that is not the Christian way to feel….I know that I should forgive others just as God forgave me…
I know ALL those things….
What else I know is that I am hurting….
I also know that I am grateful for friends who value family and would have loved our newest little one whether he or she was baby number #1 or baby number #10….
I am grateful for my husband who was just as excited as I was about our newest little one.  He joined me in the sheer laughter that God would bless us again with a baby so close to Neely.  
I am grateful for my little ones that I know would have been elated if we had told them about the new baby.  I couldn’t be more proud to be their mommy.

“Forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can function regardless of the temperature of the heart.”  ~ Corrie Ten Boom

Lord, give me the will to forgive and change the temperature of my heart…..

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