Today Should Be The Day….

It’s well past my bedtime on Sunday morning, December 1st……

Today should be the day…..

Right about now I should be shoving last minute items in my hospital bag….

We should be dropping off our little ones to stay with friends…

And we should be headed to the hospital to bring our fifth precious baby into the world…

But we are not.

We are here at home…

No preparing for a new baby….

No rewashing of previously loved baby clothes and blankets….

No nesting….

No buckling in the new carseat…

No arms full of the weight of a newborn…

Just empty arms.

Today is a hard day.  It feels like there has been something unsaid in our house all week.  Bryan and I have talked about it.  Yet, still it feels like a dark gray cloud, raining only on our house.  It feels harder because our little ones don’t know…

There will be a time to tell them, but it hasn’t been that time.  For now, it just belongs to Bryan and I.

Have I ever told you that he is the most wonderful labor partner?  Well, he is.  I so wanted him to have the chance to coach me through one more birth….he was born for it.

Sadly, today also brings a feeling of guilt.  Without the loss of this sweet baby, we might never have started the process to bring our MinLan home….

This loss has brought us our little girl… feels like choosing one child over another….it doesn’t feel natural….

Oh, how I long to have MinLan in my arms…not to replace…but to heal….she will be the bright spot….she will make us parents all over again….

We will bring her home….even thought it feels like it will never happen…

We will prepare our home for her….

We will wash precious little outfits and blankets just for her…

We will nest….

We will buckle in the new carseat….

Our arms will be filled….

And so will our hearts….

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