For those not walking my path….

John Preston has been home a little over six months….and the journey has been hard.

JP 1 BW

Not harder than I expected.

I expected the WORST.

And I recognize that things could be so much worse.

And most days…almost every day…it’s not as much HIM as it is ME.

It’s me who needs to let go of the ideas I had in my mind. It’s me who has to let go of worrying about what other people think of me…of us…as we navigate this journey. It’s me who cries out to the Father to give me grace as I parent him.

I am afraid you will stand back and say this is what we asked, wished, hoped and prayed for.

I am afraid that you will be unable to conjure up sympathy for us at the times me might need a bit extended because of the hard days.

I am afraid that our family has become so vastly different than what we used to be that you don’t recognize us any more.

JP 2 BW

I have so many friends who are adoptive parents. We get each other. We walk these hard days together. With an understanding glance or words typed, we know exactly what the other means. Sometimes we don’t even have to fully explain. We can just admit that today is one of THOSE days and the other momma instinctively knows. She just KNOWS. She offers to pray…she offers to listen…she sends no condemnation or judgment. She just sits with me in the moment and exists. And I need that.

Then there are those of you who have no idea about this path we have chosen. I have no doubt that many of you WANT to understand…you WANT to know how to pray for us…you WANT to make it easier. You just haven’t lived it. And that’s ok.

I want YOU to know today that I see you. I know that you care about us and love us even if you haven’t had the same experiences. I know that you ask about us and John Preston because you truly care and want to know how to pray and encourage us. For the times, I have ever made you feel LESS THAN….if I ever have…because you haven’t adopted….I want you to know TODAY that I don’t see that when I look at you. I don’t judge you because God hasn’t called you to adopt. All I see is your friendship and love for our family. And I am grateful more than you can ever imagine.

I want you all today to know that I can see the light….

I can sense the end of the tunnel in my distance vision and I am seeing the light pouring in…it hasn’t reached me yet…but it is stretching out towards me.

There have been days where all I could see was “orphan”…”orphanage”…”behaviors”…”defiance”…”control”.

Those days are so hard.

JP 3 BW

But now I am starting to see days that look like “son”…”family”…”safe”…”unguarded”.

There are entire days now where we don’t struggle. Those days feel good. They are often followed by a string of struggling days but we are still beginning to see progress.

I just want you to know that we still know, despite the struggles, that John Preston is our son….that God called us to this…that we know that God did not promise us “easy” but He did promise us strength and grace.

I want you to know that we covet your prayers still. This journey is not over. The path we walk is still hard. We still need you.

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Ephesians 3:20

Love, Jenifer

 

4 thoughts on “For those not walking my path….

  1. I hear you friend. Every time I have a bad day( and there are plenty) I think of you and know we are not alone. We are very alone up here in the cold north and the days we do venture out with friends, sometimes I see the stares, even though they don’t mean too. Heck our church has yet to recognize us coming home. Keep strong..you are doing it and even the bad days are a testimony. Praying for all of you.

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  2. For those of us who want to know, but really are clueless…..what do those bad days look like? IF YOU CAN EVEN ARTICULATE IT…..do “those days” include the other children not liking him being there? Do those days include meltdowns because he cannot communicate? As with anything, we always imagine the worst. If it’s not too personal, can you share the sorts of things you mean, just to give us an idea. Much love and prayers to you Sugah Pop.

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    1. Love You sweet Aimee. I know hard days look different for every adoptive family. For some it is intense grief where their child really struggles with the weight of all they have lost. We don’t experience those days. Our bad days are full of defiance….passive aggressive behavior….trying to control every situation after years of having no control. Days where my other kids are glued to my reaction to him, knowing that how I react to THEM is different. Having to have eyes on him at all times for the safety of the little girls as well. That part is especially hard and exhausting. Thank you for asking friend. That’s just to mention a few.

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